An e-mail I received from a friend contained the following message about parenting:
11 step program for those thinking of having kids...
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the LAST time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appalingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to "run wild"
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life YOU will have all the answers.
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Attempt to eat cold food with one hand for dinner).
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. Just as you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get back up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up, make breakfast, get ready for work and go to work (work hard and BE productive)
10. Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and put-together!
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jelly onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer long.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc and rip out pages here and there.
5. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it looks.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to pt the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
3. Time allowed...3 minutes before you jet out the door to work!
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. ANd don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. FAMILY cars don't look like that!
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back of the seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then mash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Grocery shopping is not as easy as it should be!
1. Go to the local grocery store.
2. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then DEFINITELY take more than one goat.
3. Buy your next week's groceries without letting the goat out of your sight and without eating any of the food in your cart.
4. Pay for everything the goat DOES eat and destroy.
5. Until you can easily accomplish this, do NOT even contemplate having children.
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small whole inthe side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now, get a bowl of soggy cheerios and attemot to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the cheerios are gone.
6. with the remaining cheerios, tip the half onto your lap and the other half throw in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine month old baby.
1. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barny, Dora, Disney, Martha Speaks, etc.
2. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS or the Disney Channel for at least five years.
1. Make a recoding of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly. *Note: no more than a four second delay betwen each "mommy"; occasionally crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next 6 years.
3. You are now ready to travel with kids.
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing "mommy" tape from lesson 10 above.
3. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
REMEMBER: a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
AHhh.....aren't these true!? Everytime I read this, I get a chuckly because I knew EVERYTHING until I became a parent. What a humbling experience it is!